


What You do When You Really Like Someone

by orphan_account



Category: Firefly
Genre: (meaning that Wash survives), F/M, Jayne is 32, Just a touch of au, Post-Miranda, River is 22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 14:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7318957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne's starting to think that he's the crazy one on the ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You do When You Really Like Someone

"Jayne Casey Cobb you don't know one damn thing!" 

River's voice echoed through the empty cargo bay, reverberating through the large space as she enunciated each word with the force of a person twice her size. She stared at Jayne’s shocked face for a second, waiting for a response that didn't come, then turned away from him, her long black hair flying out behind her and coming dangerously close to hitting him across the face. The large man racked his brain for something, anything he could say to calm her down as she stormed away. Her uncharacteristically heavy footsteps rattled the metal grating as she stormed off to her bunk, fists clenched tightly at her sides and her pretty pink skirt billowing after her, muttering a string of colorful Chinese phrases under her breath. Jayne stood in silent shock as he watched her go, not sure what he could say. What he did know is that he had fucked up. Fucked up real bad.

It wasn't his fault, really. She'd been driving him mad for months, all coy smiles and secret shared glances that made him feel like he was the luckiest man alive. At first it seemed like just another one of her stupid games, but as time wore on he realized that flirting with Moonbrain was somewhat enjoyable. That, and the fact that whenever Kaylee caught them at it she’d shoot River one of her ‘things-are-going- _ well _ ’ smiles when she thought he wasn’t looking. 

And there was that one night when things had been going  _ well _ . It was just the two of them in the bridge, lying on the floor with her left side pressed up against his right as they quietly stared out into the black. Her small, delicate left hand fingers had tentatively brushed up against his large, calloused right hand fingers, prompting him to turn his head to face her. It had only been a few seconds, but when her eyes met his and he coulda sworn he felt his heart stop beating. 

They hadn't kissed or held hands or nothing, but those moments sure made him want to. It'd been years since he'd wanted to kiss a woman, even more since he actually had. But one look at Moonbrain and he couldn't shake the desire to mash his uncoordinated lips against her undoubtedly graceful ones. Instead, he'd replayed the memory of her over and over in his head until his dreams were filled with visions of a not-so-crazy woman in white and the pitter-patter of baby-sized combat boots.

Then for two weeks, nothing. Ab-so-ruttin-lutely nothin'. She was colder to him than an industrial cooler, and if he made any sort of move she'd push him away or flat out ignore his presence. And it didn't help that he was falling in- 

Well, it didn't help that he had romantic type feelings for the girl neither. 

He wasn't even quite sure when he first developed said feelings. Maybe it was after Ariel, when he couldn't help but notice that the guilt he felt towards the girl far outweighed that he had towards the gorram Doc. And not just in a kill-you-with-her-brain sort of way. Or in a Mal's-gonna-space-me-if-I-don't kinda way. That's why he'd bought the apples. Never admitted that they were for her, but most everyone seemed to figure it out on their own anyways. And he'd be damned if the vision of her biting into a crisp apple slice and then licking the juice off of her plump, pink lips wasn't burned into his mind forever. Even if her saying "Blood money paid in red apples fallen from the tree of knowledge," in creepifying way afterwards brought him crashing back to reality.

It could have been her 18th birthday, when she'd made a comment about being legal that had turned her brother all sorts of shades of red and bowled the lot of them over laughing. Although Jayne had avoided dwelling on the offhand mention of the facts, his subconscious hadn't gotten the memo. Not that he'd ever own up to accidentally dreaming 'bout the girl. Especially not in a preacher's-special-hell sort of way (even if was just the once). At the time it had been going on quite a while without him experiencing company from someone other than himself, so he had no problem chalking it up to that unfortunate truth and left it well alone.

Or maybe it was on Mr. Universe's Moon when those blast doors opened and revealed her in all her Reaver-killin', ballet-dancin',  _ feng-le  _ glory. She'd been quite a picture, surrounded by at least two dozen fallen Reavers, blood and sweat splattered across thin limbs and small hands that clenched tightly to dangerously sharp weapons, and not a single scratch on her. If it had been anyone else, hell maybe even a guy, Jayne woulda taken 'em right then and there. Of course having her brother right next to him and a hundred Purplebellies on top of their asses managed to kill the mood well enough. And in the days immediately following they'd been otherwise occupied in the Alliance hospital where Wash had been absorbed in rehab as Zoë tried to cope with the fact that she had almost lost a husband. 

In the fight for Miranda Wash had been hit in the shoulder by a reaver harpoon that nearly severed his right arm from his body and had pinned him in the pilot seat. The crew had been forced to move on without him, pausing long enough only for Simon to tie a tourniquet around the pilot's mangled limb. Wash had surprised everyone, including himself, by surviving those hellish hours while waiting for the crew to return. Although he had lost his right arm, he'd been able to make a full recovery, save for now he could no longer perform the more advanced flight maneuvers he loved so much. But his disappointment had soon vanished when Zoë realized she was carrying a new baby Washburn. Six months later Wash held a newborn Hugh close to his chest with his remaining left arm and cried harder than he had in years.

But that's enough of that: back to the real matter at hand.

Maybe he first started making eyes at River when her brother took her off the gallons of medication he'd been pumping into her, marking the end of her days among the clinically insane. The artificial hormones she took worked their magic, giving her cheeks the color they'd been missing for years, filling in her thin dancer's body, and adding a few inches to her height. Not to mention how the extra weight she gained mainly worked to give her the curves that were expected for a woman her age. The gorram girl now had hips that could rock a boat clear out of the Black, not to mention legs that went on as far as the eye could see. She still wasn't as busty or tall as what Jayne typically went for when he visited a cathouse, but there was certainly no mistaking her for anything but a woman anymore. 

It could have been when Kaylee and Inara took her out shopping for clothing that would actually fit her. They had made a little excursion out of it and came back to Serenity loaded down with bags and with bright smiles on their faces. River started wearing short, tight skirts and tanks that left little of that creamy skin of hers to be imagined. Or what color bras she liked to wear. And if Jayne claimed that plum purple and bright blue lace didn't make an appearance in his thoughts during his 'bunk time,' he was lying through his teeth. He'd tried to knock some sense into the crew, namely Simon, seeing as Mal weren't helping none, being too stressed over Zoë's rapidly approaching delivery due date, and the doc played the role of overprotective older brother quite well. But Jayne's complaints had fallen on deaf ears. Mister three percent seemed to think that River's new wardrobe was simply the height of style for a young woman her age. 

Maybe it was the nights they spent on-planet when he sat silent on the couch when she returned from her night's fun gushing to tell Kaylee the details of the  _ shuai _ fella she'd been with. He never said anything, just stayed where he was, oiling Vera and giving her a good shine while Kaylee listened to River's story about the bright new hickey on her neck. After the Doc had given his medical approval she'd become a regular on jobs, earning her own share and one of the crew bunks. With Zoë stuck on ship with her new baby Washburn, it was nice to be back up to three guns instead of just him and Mal trying to cover their  _ pi gus _ . Although she picked up a new man in just about every port, she never stayed with them long or tried to bring one back to her bunk on Serenity. Jayne thought her message was pretty gorram clear. She was a grown woman and if she wanted sex she was going to get it, and she didn't need to shell out a portion of her paycheck to do so. Not that he was doing so all that often anyhows. But he was tight on cash as of late. Had nothing to do with the Not-so-crazy girl. 

Maybe it was more recent, like when she had convinced him to dance with her during Kaylee and Simon's wedding a couple months ago. They'd rocked back and forth to some song, and he'd finally been able to hold her close like he did in his dreams. Of course, she was wearing a flowery blue dress instead of being nekkid, but as his Pa used to say: "beggars can't be choosers." Mal had eyed them swaying to the music and given him a curt nod, but hadn't said anything else on the matter. Jayne would even go as far as to say that he'd quietly approved of them. But he wasn't one to go jumping to conclusions and that was one Hell of a leap. After the song ended she gave him a smile and left him for a glass of strawberry punch, marking the end of their all-too-brief encounter. But Jayne woulda swore he'd heard her humming the same melody a few nights later as they washed up after dinner. 

Or the night of her twenty-first birthday, when she'd held his wrist and dragged his fingertips over the present she'd gotten for herself: a permanently blooming flower tattooed on the inside of her leg a few inches up from her knee. He'd held his breath as his thumb skimmed over smooth skin he thought he'd never get touch in a million years, let alone that she would be the one to start it. He'd felt time slow down as he watched his hand graze over the brown lines of ink marking her ivory skin. "Simon didn't want me to get one," she whispered, drawing his attention back towards her face, "said it would turn me into a ruffian thug." His slightly sluggish brain managed to notice the way her eyes flicked towards the dragon on his shoulder. "Ya callin' me a thug, girlie?" He said, half joking and half breathless. River's lips had curved into a sly smile before she pulled away from him, just as Kaylee waltzed in for a drink of water. That evening she'd unashamedly danced through his mind as he thought of all the ways he could pleasure her as he took care of his aching John Thomas.

Maybe that's what he'd done wrong. Girl was a reader, and his thoughts seemed to rotate around her nowadays. It wasn't unlikely that she'd picked up on one of the more raunchy fantasies he'd been having about her. Most womenfolk didn't take too kindly to men like him thinking on them all inappropriate like.

So what should he do? Apologize? Say it wouldn't happen again? That didn't seem too likely, not with her popping up every night in his dreams. Course, not all of them were about sexing. Those were just as embarrassing, filled with romantical  _ go se _ he'd never admit to- like cuddling and marrying. Soon they'd be calling him the crazy one. He probably shouldn't mention those to her though, at least not until he knew how she felt. Ship bound romances had a bad habit of falling to pieces, and if he mentioned how he lo- had feelings for her and she didn't feel the same, well it wouldn't be pretty. 

He stood outside the door of her bunk, thinking over what he was gonna say. He'd apologize for thinking of her in all kinds of inappropriate ways and he'd try to do his best to avoid it. Then he'd say that she meant a lot to him and wanted them to be friends, that line seemed to work on most women. Satisfied, he rapped his knuckles on the door.

"River? You in there?"

The door opened a fraction of an inch, "What do you want now?" Her voice echoed from inside the bunk and into the dim hallway.

Jayne rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, I came ta 'poligize. Ain't quite sure why 'xactly yer mad at me- but I know that no one on this boat, 'specially me, likes it when yer mad."

The door opened fully, and River's head poked up out of the entry. She even looked a little surprised, a rare feat in and of itself, "That is- very kind of you, Jayne."

He grunted, "Don' get used ta it, girlie."

She let out a small giggle at his statement, and he couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. River stepped completely out of her bunk, her feet on the top step of the ladder that lead down into her room and her back leaned against the open door. Jayne stood in the hallway in front of her, the difference in their footing making him appear even taller than he usually felt around her. The big man looked down at his boots in an attempt to preserve whatever dignity he had left. 

"Anyways, I'm sorry fer whatever it is I did that sent ya running off in a huff earlier. An' I'm sorry that I been thinkin' on ya in an 'inappropriate manner' a lot lately. I know ya are gettin' better at blockin' that kinda stuff, but it still ain't right fer me ta be pushing that kinda thing your way."

He risked a glance up at River, whose cheeks were a pleasant shade of pink, "It's alright. Natural acts of humanity. Inara and Captain Daddy are far worse," they shared a quick laugh, "And-" she paused, almost reconsidering what she was about to say, "the thoughts were not unwelcomed. It would be hypocritical for me to be mad." She loosely crossed her arms and shyly looked away from him.

It might have taken Jayne a minute to process her word choice, but her body language was clear. His jaw dropped. "Are ya sayin' that you've been havin' dreams 'bout me sexin' ya up?"

It was her turn to drop her gaze to the floor in embarrassment. 

Somehow Jayne managed to pick his jaw off the floor and turn it into a leer, "Well gir- River. Seems like we got ourselves in a sort of pre-dic-ament." His arms, previously crossed over his chest, moved to his sides as he tucked his thumbs into his belt. The action pushed his hips an inch closer to where River was standing. Her eyes widened.

"It appears we do." River's gaze, once nervous but now bright and flirty, flickered from his face to his crotch, "Is that Bonnie in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

He chuckled, he sure loved her sense of humor. Made things like this go down a lot more smooth like. "Naw, I left all my girls in my bunk."

"Jayne Cobb? Walking around weaponless? Are you feeling well?" She feigned concern, pushing off the wall and leaning towards him. She gently placed the back of her hand against his forehead, looking for any signs of illness.

"Guess I'll have to improvise," he said, gently reaching for the hips he couldn't stop thinking about. When she didn't resist, he eased them a little closer towards his own, releasing a small groan when she shifted her crotch against his own.

Her small hands slipped onto his broad shoulders, and he relished the feel of her pressed against tight against him. River pushed up onto her toes and whispered in his ear, "You'll have to find another girl to be your weapon."

Jayne wet his lips with his tongue before answering her, "Do you know what I do when I add somethin' ta my arsenal, River?" She bit her lower lip and raised an eyebrow at him in question. "Well first I gotta dress 'em down- strip 'em real gentle like. Then I oil 'em. Make sure they're all good an' slick. Can't work with a girl lessen she's good an' lubricated."

River shuddered in his arms, her hands slipping off his shoulders to caress his chest, "And then?"

"An' then's the fun part. Gotta rub her down right, get a good shine on her. Let her break into pieces and then put 'em back together and do it again. Then I test how sensitive she is. Bet ya got a real touchy trigger, River darlin'. Wouldn't need but tha slightest fraction of pressure and ya'd fire right off."

The girl in his arms was breathing heavily, her lids lowered and red lips parted, "I am quite receptive. Wouldn't mind firing a few rounds for Jayne."

A groan escaped him and his fingers tightened their grip on her hips. " _ Ta ma de _ , River. Say that again."

"Jayne," she pressed a kiss low on his neck, "my Jayne," she repeated between pecks as she made her way towards his mouth.

"Yer drivin' me crazy, River darlin'. Gotta have ya, iffen ya'll let me a 'course. Ain't never gonna make ya do somethin' ya don' want."

"I want you to kiss me."

"Yes ma'am."

A few hours later Jayne rolled onto his side, pulling a sweaty and sexed-up River back against his heaving chest. She let out a contented sigh as she pressed against him. 

"That was fun," he said, earning a breathless laugh from the woman in his arms.

"Very fun," she agreed, a quirk of a smile forming on her lips as she ran a hand down his side, sliding even closer to him in the cramped bed.

"Why don't we do stuff like this more often?" He teased her, running his large fingers through her now-messy hair. 

"Some stupid thing where we both hated each other," she replied, teasing him back.

"Ya know," Jayne said, pulling back an inch to look her in the eye, "we should think 'bout this, whatever it is we have here."

River sighed, pressing her forehead back against his chest. "We had sex. We might do it again sometime. End of story."

"Now slow down there River darlin', I ain't sure I'm gonna be able ta let ya go so easy."

She didn't say anything for a few seconds, "Just how long do you want this to continue? A few weeks or a few years?"

Jayne thought for a second before answering truthfully, "I don't know, Riv. I mean, you're just 'bout the shiniest person I've ever been with. And iffen I could keep ya forever, well I think I'd be the happiest man in the 'Verse. And just bein' in the same room as ya makes me want ya even more," he took her hand in his and pressed his lips to her knuckles, "ya know I ain't one fer words."

She smiled up at him, "I've done enough listening to last a lifetime."

He chuckled at that, causing her smile to grow a half inch more. "I wanna be yer first, River," he said seriously.

"Jayne, you aren't my first. I thought you would have noticed that by now," sarcasm and a hint of disbelief laced her voice.

"Hell, not like that, girlie. I meant all the  _ good _ firsts," the mercenary huffed, "Ya know, yer first big relationship. Yer first one-year anniversary. Yer first fianceé. Yer first husband, hopefully yer only one iffen I have anything ta say 'bout it." River let out a small giggle at his afterthought, and her eyes glistened with happiness as he continued, "I wanna be there for yer first honeymoon, an' yer first shared bunk. I wanna give ya yer first kid, with yer looks an' my, I dunno, cunning I guess."

At his last comment River's face dropped. Gone was the tearfully happy smile that hoped for their future and in its place was a cold, tight-lipped blank expression. She pulled away from his embrace, pressing the thin blanket against her still bare chest as she made to leave the bed. "You know I really ought to get going."

"River..."

"Thank you for the lovely time, I look forward to seeing you at breakfast-"

"River," Jayne reached out and grabbed her wrist, his large hand circling around her pale skin.

"I don't think this is a good idea," she said, sitting up, the sheet still held around her bare chest by her left hand. Jayne looked at her for a minute, trying to guess what he might have said that would have caused her to react so strangely. "Yes?" She whispered at him, her voice sounding about as scared as she looked.

"What's wrong?"

River opened her mouth as if to give another detached answer, but closed it after a second. She glanced over at the ladder leading out of her bunk, then at the hand he held around her wrist. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she bit her lip in an attempt to keep up her cool demeanor. "I-" she started, but couldn't go on. Hot tears slipped down her cheeks as she took a shaky breath. 

"Oh darlin'," Jayne whispered, sitting up and pulling her back into him. He hugged her tight, his arms squeezing her impossibly close to him. She sobbed into his chest, her wet tears dripping off her nose and onto his bare skin as he rubbed comforting circles into her back.

"Is it somethin' I said?" He asked her, wanting desperately to fix whatever he had messed up.

"Can't fix it," she whispered, answering his half-formed question before he could even ask it, "too broken. Just another crack in the shattered glass pane. Can't be fixed."

"That's just plain wrong, sweetheart. Ain't nothin' this crew can't fix," he reassured her, pressing a kiss against the top of her head.

"Already tried. Simon looked, and he prescribed, and he can't. No fixing for River," she had stopped crying by now, still clutching to Jayne as she sniffled.

"This ain't 'bout yer brain, is it? 'Cause I reckon ya been doin' loads better. Even mentioned it ta the Doc one or two times. He seemed ta agree."

River shook her head, "Not brainpan. All good in the crazy girl's head."

"Then tell me, bao bei. We can fix it, hand ta God."

His girl pulled away from him, and for a second Jayne thought she was about to leave. Another tear leaked out from the corner of her eye, and Jayne brushed it away with the pad of his thumb.

"I- I can't have children." 

There was silence.

River's lower lip quivered for a second, and suddenly the words started falling out of her mouth. It was like a tricky faucet, stopped up until you got it loose, but once you did the water came gushing out. 

"It was at the Academy- I didn't develop the way I should have, thanks to their treatments and Simon doesn't know for sure what else they did, but all the tests come back negative so his best guess is that they removed something and now I can't make eggs that are capable of producing life and I really really care for you, Jayne which is why I've been trying to catch your eye for years now and the minute I've finally got you hooked I realized that you wanted children, which at first I didn't think you would've wanted, but then I thought about how close you still are with your family so of course you would want one of your own, but as much as I want to I can't give you any more family than I already have which is pretty much just my brother and he's no good, so for the past weeks I've been trying to push you away to try to keep you safe from heartbreak and disappointment and me because everything about me is broken and you ought to have better and, and-" she hiccuped, falling back into tears. 

Jayne pulled her back into his embrace. A large hand ran through her hair as she sobbed, "Go on, River darlin'. Ya let it all out."

"I like that," a small whisper sounded.

"Huh?"

There was an audible sniffle before River continued in a quiet voice, "I like it when you call me that. I like it when you use my real name, but the latter makes it feel even more special."

“Glad ya like it. Reckon it’s got a nice ring ta it. Reminds me yer more an’ some crazy psycho chic and lets others know I care ‘bout ya. Win win.”

River looked up at him, her eyes puffy and rimmed red, “I’m sorry.”

Jayne took a deep breath. “Ain’t nothin’ ta be sorry for. It’s not yer fault.”

“Still sorry. Sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

He cradled her jaw with a large hand, “Listen here River darlin’. You are what I want. Ya hear? Don’t quite ‘member when I started feelin’ that way, but I know that now. I care ‘bout ya. Whole lot. An’ iffen you can’t have kids, well that’s alright with me. Reckon I don’ even want any ta begin with.”

“Don’t lie to readers, Jayne.”

He huffed. “Fine. I might’a had a dream or two where we had a passel a’ our own. That’s what my Ma always told me ya did when ya really liked someone, alright? Ya settled down and had a couple a kids a yer own. But ya know what? I don’ care. ‘Cause I got you, an’ that’s good ‘nough fer me. Ya don’ want ta get married, we don’ have ta. Ya can’t have kids, we won’t have any. Plain an’ simple. All I really want is ta have is my girl River besides me. Yer tha one callin’ tha shots, ya hear?”

“Thank you,” she said, hugging him tightly.

"Aw, ain't nothin'."

"You do that too much," she looked up at his confused face and continued, "you do something sweet or heartfelt and you brush it off. Pretend like it never happened."

“Gotta preserve my dignity somehow, River darlin’.”

Early that morning Jayne pulled on his discarded pants and boots and snuck back to his own bunk, but not before giving River a good morning kiss. Unfortunately for him, she was still tired, and wasn’t interested in “Spit swapping at four in the gorram morning,” and immediately squashed her face back into the pillow.

Once he got back to his own bunk he’d gotten another few hours of shut eye before waking up at the usual 7:30- thirty minutes before breakfast was served. He threw on a relatively clean t-shirt and climbed out of his bunk, resigning to brush his teeth after eating. 

The large man entered the mess with a cheery grin on his face, surprising given his typical gruff demeanor and his lack of rest from that evening. “Mornin’ Kaylee.”

The mechanic turned away from the stove and smiled back at him,“Good mornin’ Jayne. Looks like you sure got up on the right side of the bed," she responded, going back to pushing things around in a large skillet with a spatula.

“Reckon ya could say that,”  _ if you count River’s bed as the right side _ , he added in his mind. Jayne propped his elbows on the counter and tried to get a good look at whatever she was making, “Wha’s fer breakfast?”

She waved him away with a hand, “Protein cakes and some potatoes I got fried up. Sit on down, they’ll be ready in a minute and the rest of the crew ain’t even here yet.”

Jayne plopped down in his usual spot. Maybe he could convince River to sit in his lap for breakfast. Mal and Simon would likely bust a gut at that. Chances were 50/50 he’d get swept out the airlock or dissected into a million and a half little pieces. But he’d get to have River’s very nicely shaped rear pressed on top of his thighs for about five minutes before anyone did anything, and wouldn’t that be enough to satisfy any man on the threshold of death?

A mug of coffee appeared in front of him, and Jayne glanced up just as Kaylee went to sit down with her own mug of decaf tea. Girl had been a monster for the first few weeks after she found out she was pregnant. Turns out her cheeriness wasn’t a natural trait, but a product of about five cups of coffee a day, all loaded with sweetener. When she found out she was expecting just a month or two ago the doctor had insisted she quit cold turkey, even citing a handful of medical texts on the matter. She'd been a bear to deal with for a few days, and they'd all felt for poor old Simon, who managed to help her through both caffeine withdrawal and morning sickness.

Speak of the devil...

"Good morning Kaylee. How is my beautiful wife today?"

"Aw, Si..." She gushed from her chair at the small table as the doctor bent and gave her a peck on the cheek.

After greeting Kaylee, Simon grabbed a stack of plates out of the cabinet and moved them to the table. Jayne reluctantly set his coffee down and stood, helping to shuffle the plates into place as the rest of the crew made their way into the mess. Mal stepped in the door next, already reading over a list of 'captain duties' he'd start the minute the meal was over, most of which included bugging everyone about doing their actual chores. 

Inara arrived a precise fifteen minutes before the meal was served, accepting a small cup of tea with dainty hands. Zoë and baby Hugh toddled in not soon after, her holding both his arms to help keep him upright. Wash followed closely behind, yawning wide and rubbing at the scars on his right shoulder. He watched with tired but shining eyes as his wife fastened their baby into the highchair. He slumped into his chair and kissed his wife quickly before she disappeared into the mess kitchen to get formula and protein mash out of the cooler unit.

Sensing that the majority of the crew had arrived and the table was set, Kaylee got up and went into the cooking area and came back with two plates laden with food. The crew was practically drooling as they watched her carefully place them in the center of the table. At Mal's nod they all began partitioning servings, complimenting Kaylee and digging into the protein and potatoes. 

"It ain't nothin'," Kaylee was telling Inara, "somethin' my Ma always made for breakfast. Right easy to whip up."

"Right tasty is what it is." Mal commented, gesturing at her with a fork, "make sure you're eating enough,  _ Mei Mei _ , there's two of ya you gotta feed now."

The mechanic beamed, reaching to her right to give Simon's hand a small squeeze. "I love my captain."

"Right. Now it's Monday, so you all know what that means." Groans resounded from around the table. "Chores. And I don't wanna hear one complaint, dong ma? Zoë, you're on ammo inventory. Wash is running diagnostics as per usual. Simon's got kitchen cleanup and Kaylee's alternating with Inara for meals. Don't much care how you alternate, just make sure it gets done. Jayne, you got laundry and facilities maintenance-"

"Aw, Mal, I scrubbed the showers out last week..."

"Well too bad. You an' River got it again this week. Speaking of, anyone seen our little Albatross this bright and shiny morning?"

Simon cleared his throat, "Last I saw her was late last evening flying the ship. She typically goes to bed before I do, but she seemed very-" he paused, searching for the right word, "preoccupied with her thoughts last evening." 

"Perhaps Jayne ran into her," Inara spoke up, and the merc almost spit his coffee clear across the table, "He is often up late finishing his workout. I believe I saw him in the cargo bay before I retired to my shuttle"

Six pairs of eyes turned to him. 

"Uh," Jayne began, tugging at the neck of his t-shirt. He didn't think he'd be on the spot this early. Especially without River on hand to protect him. Felt like he was under a gorram microscope with all the crew looking at him like he was some sort of interesting specimen. For a minute he considered his options: lie blatantly (bad idea), tell the whole truth (ick, no way), or tell an abridged version (meh- not terrible). 

Aw Hell, he wasn’t one for dragging on conversations about sensitive subjects anyways. And River was all kinds of sensitive.

“Well,” Jayne swallowed, “s’like ‘Nara said. I was finishin’ my last set when River came in. Said hello ta her, real polite like, an’ she just ignored me. Couldn’ reckon what I did ta get her panties up in a knot, but I’m a decently smart man when it comes to womenfolk, so I let it be. Suppose I coulda been thinkin’ too loud ‘bout it though, an’ bein’ a Reader she musta picked up on it, an’ we exchanged some rather unpleasant words.

“Long story short, she goes stormin’ off ta her bunk in a huff an’ I’m left feelin’ tha sorry fool fer gettin’ her all riled up. An’ I realize she’s been pissy at me all week an’ reckon’ I musta done somethin’ pretty bad ta’ her, only I can’t ‘member what it was. So’s I went ta her bunk an’ ‘pologize. An’ that’s where I saw her last.”

Zoë regarded him for a few moments, then blinked. “Wait, Jayne Cobb? Apologize? Captain, tell me I’m not hearing what I just thought I heard.”

“No, no. I heard it too,” Mal played along with Zoë’s straight-faced joke, “Reckon this must be what going crazy feels like, right Doc?"

Simon carefully considered the situation, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "Well we can't know for certain. Can the defendant provide any witnesses to this so called 'apology'? For all we know this could be nothing but a carefully constructed ruse."

"Was that a joke Doctor?" The captain shook his head and looked dismally into his coffee cup, "now  _ this _ is what going mad feels like."

"Not true." River's voice sounded from the hallway leading to the crew dorms. She hid partway behind the doorframe, blocking anyone from getting a good look at anything besides her face. "He tells half the story. Knowingly withholds the truth. Half and half. Jayne lies and he lies well. In many settings."

The man in question partially turned in his seat to face her, "River darlin', I ain't lyin' on purpose."

She refused to meet his eyes, instead turning her gaze towards the floor. "You won't recount our story. The important part."

Jayne sighed, leaning over the back of his chair to see her around the others that were between them, "Well the second half ain't 'xactly meant fer meal-time conversating 'round these parts- 'specially not with yer brother an' Pa sittin' ta my left an' right," he took a deep breath, "'Sides, I was waitin' on ya ta share. Didn' want ta steal ya thunder did I?"

River smiled at him and Jayne let out the breath he'd been half holding, knowing he'd successfully navigated their first minefield. He gave her a quick grin back as she stepped into the mess. Her long, dark tresses had been pulled back into a low and sloppy ponytail. She was wearing her usual black sleep shorts and the t-shirt Jayne had left in her room last night, or was it this morning? He raised an eyebrow at the orange cloth and River responded with a wink as she sat down next to him.

"Ooh- potato fritters!  _ Xie xie _ Kaylee." River said as she dug into the plate of food Jayne had made for her when they'd first dished out. As she ate he casually slung an arm over the back of her chair, and she leaned into him in response. Jayne regarded her response with a satisfied nod before sipping at his coffee.

Silence permeated the mess. All eyes were on the odd couple, making Jayne feel a mite twitchy. River didn't seem to notice that their little show had put them at center stage, although it was more likely that she noticed the avalanche of attention and was actively tuning them out. 

Jayne cleared his throat and ruffled some of River's hair, "Alright, look. Here's how it is: the little lady an' I are steppin' out. Don' much care for all yall's opinion on tha matter, 'cause I reckon she's old 'nough ta decide fer herself an' Hell, iffen she reckons I'm good 'nough fer her I sure ain't gonna question it, even iffen I know she's wrong. But seems that somehow’s she got this crazy idea that we’d go along well together and I agree so’s that’s that.”

A hush fell over the table. Kaylee of course, was grinning ear to ear (and were those tears in her eyes?). Zoë had cocked an eyebrow, but returned to feeding Hugh as normal, Wash seemingly oblivious and helping distract the kiddo from his mother. Inara’s sly smirk suggested she’d known more than Jayne thought - nothing unusual there. Mal simply shrugged and got another protein cake off the stack.

Simon looked at them for a while, not saying anything, just regarding them with the cool stare that he typically reserved for medical exams. Then, like a sun dawning, a smile slowly spread across his face.

“Jayne?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

The smile morphed into a playful smirk, “You do know there’s a hickey the size of a potato fritter on your neck- correct?”

“Well shit. Here I was thinkin’ it was a secret.”

At that the table burst into their various displays of amusement. Even Inara let out a surprisingly loud and undignified laugh. Hugh shrieked in joy from his high chair, squeezing mashed protein between chubby fingers and waving it about in the air as his parents doubled over in raucous laughter.

“Alright, which one of ya’ll is the snitch?” Jayne asked as soon as the crew had regained some semblance of composure.

“It was me,” Inara admitted, “I saw you two kissing in the hall. I had overheard the fight and went to the mess to ensure neither of you would kill the other. Instead I happened to stumble upon the most interesting piece of gossip.”

“And you know how gossip spreads on a ship this size,” Zoë commented as she and Wash picked mask out of their baby boy’s curly hair.

“So ‘Nara woke me up,” Kaylee jumped in, “But I was on watch, so she didn’t actually wake me up, Captian, I was just restin’ my eyes in my hammock when she happened to find me. And then I just  _ had _ to tell Simon is all.”

“And it happened to come up in conversation when Zoë came to get formula for Hugh late in the evening,” Simon continued.

“So I told Mal when I ran into him on the way back to my bunk,” Zoë added, “Because it would be his business as Captain to know about what goes on among the crew of his ship”  
Wash threw her a teasing glare, “And the secret to a lasting marriage is to not keep secrets, so naturally after 10 minutes of pestering I finally got her to tell me.

“And I read it off all of them,” River said conspiratorially, “Wanted to see if you’d pass the first test.”  
“Ain’t usually one fer passin’ tests,” Jayne pinched her in the side, making her squirm under his grip, “How’d I do?”

River beamed at him, “Marvelously. 100%. With flying colors.”

“Good.” Jayne pulled River out of her chair and nestled her in his lap, pulling her into a quick kiss just because he could. And because he’d never get tired of kissing River.

Mal cleared his throat, “Good to know the Rumor Mill is running at full capacity. Now ya’ll know what needs to get done ‘round here. 10 minutes more ‘till clean up. Lovebirds included.”

“Ya missed out on chores assignments,” Jayne mentioned to River as the crew returned to their typical breakfast routines.

She nodded thoughtfully. “Shower scrubbing one again. And laundry. What a bore.”

“Least Simon ain’t cookin’.”

River rewarded him with a laugh and a bite of syrupy protein cake, “What a shame it would be if a certain red sweater were to appear in his load of nice white shirts. That dye does have a terrible tendency to run..”

“I knew I liked ya ta start River darlin’. But prakin’? That’s near ‘nough ta seal tha deal,” he teased her and stole another bite off her plate.

Of course, Jayne had knew he wanted to seal the deal for months, but River likely knew that already, but the joke made her toss her head back in laughter, and Jayne knew he’d spend a lifetime telling dumb jokes just to hear that sound again. 


End file.
